New Dreams

I had so many dreams when I was younger. But I never dreamed of being a mama. (I know that may sound crazy to some.) I always wanted kids “some day” and definitely had that desire, but the whole mom thing was not everything I wanted in life. Honestly, I saw myself going off to get a fancy degree, maybe even my doctorate, and doing something BIG with my life. I saw myself living in a big city in my own apartment. Or maybe overseas in the middle of some unknown tribe. I was fine by myself. Maybe in grad school or somewhere overseas I’d meet someone and get married. Family was a far-off notion. I was determined to make something of myself. Go my own way. Do big things. Make a huge difference somewhere far, far away. Then through a lot of unforeseen circumstances, I went to a small school, got sick, met a guy, got married and started a small business. Nothing turned out at all like I dreamed. Of course, it’s not like any of it was bad. I knew I was blessed in so many ways.

Then I had a baby.

The other day I took Elle on a walk, and as we circled back through the neighborhood to our home I thought, “This is not at all what I wanted. House. Neighborhood. Stroller. Baby.” In all honesty, motherhood is humbling. It’s quiet. I love my Elle to death but it doesn’t make caring for her any less of a huge responsibility. I’m well aware that that what I have is a dream come true for many girls…but not me. Don’t get me wrong; I love my life. I’m so thankful for what God has given me. I’m grateful. I’m content. (However, it did take me years to get to that content place.) But at the same time there is still this itch, a longing for more (of what specifically I don’t know) and so many dreams of what is to come. My husband and baby don’t even come close to encompassing all that I long for in this life. They are a part of it, certainly, but not the whole sum. I have no doubt God has taken me along this path to cut out (some) of my stupid pride in what I could accomplish on my own. He’s given me a life that feels so normal compared to all my dreams held when I was younger. In high school I caught a glimpse of what God wanted to do in my life and in many ways, I feel like it ruined me for the ordinary. He gave me this vision, then asked me to give it back, with the possibility I would never see them come to pass in this life. If I surrendered to His way, He might break all my dreams…and He did. (I wrote about it here.) But that wasn’t the end. From the mess He made me into who He wanted, not what I thought I should be.

Now I have new dreams.

They’ve been birthed anew along with my child. It’s seems so odd now that I feel the freedom to pursue all the things God has put in my heart. Ironically, now that I have the most demands on my time is when I’m released to go after the vision for my life God showed me so long ago. When I was in college through the first few years of marriage most of my dreams all but died. God shut the doors. He said “no” or “wait” to so many things. Now I’m a MOM and He says “yes” and “go” to everything? It doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t “fit” with what I wanted or where I thought God was going to lead me. All along, He’s taken me the path that requires the most faith, the road where I can’t make it myself or go it alone, and the way that I need Him the most. I shouldn’t be surprised really. After all, He wants my heart not what I can “do” for Him. In giving me Eleanora, He has given me back my dreams as well. Before I was wild with vision, like an untamed horse wanting it’s own way. Being a mama and wife is the bridle I needed. It’s weighs me down in the most beautiful way. All the spit up and lack of time for myself remind me daily that this is His way, not mine. Now, when it’s that hardest to do what He’s shown me is when I’m supposed to do it? God makes me laugh sometimes. Once I think I know where He’s going, the path takes a twist. I guess I will tell my girl one day how God grew her and my dreams at the same time. I’m not sure how I’m going to be a good mama to Elle and travel and run a business and…and…and…and…but I guess that’s the point. I don’t know. He does.

I looked my daughter in the eyes today and cried, big ugly tears. She is a joy I didn’t know I needed. In her I’m reminded every single day that God’s way are better than my own. Together, we are going after God’s ways for her life…and for mine. The journey never stops. We’ll never stop reaching. We’ll constantly be in a cycle of the death and re-birth of both our dreams. I hope that one day, far down along the road I’ll see what God truly had in mind for us.

Then, I’ll see HIS dream in entirety.

Until then I’ll keep dreaming and going after what He has for me.

Because for right now, I have new dreams.